Witchboard (1986)

Witchbored. It's more than just a game. It's also a shitty movie. Is the Ouija board even really a game? The only skill involved is convincing your idiot friends that ghosts are real and the only way to win is to not play at all. Of all the the boardgames in the world, the writers could have at least picked a less obvious game to be possessed by evil. Of course the fucking Ouija board becomes possessed. That's its job. I would much rather watch a movie where Hungry Hungry Hippos tell kids to kill their parents or if centipedes started coming out of the Operation guy's surgery holes. At least the Japanese were thinking outside the box when they created the possessed Don't Wake Daddy game... Well played, Japan. If anyone remembers anything about Witchboard, it's probably that it stars Tawny Kitaen. Many of you probably best remember Tawny from that time when she was driven into a frenzy by 80’s butt-metal and gave a Jaguar chlamydia. Here we go again. What you may not know about Tawny is that she was also bad at acting, but did it anyway. She starred in everything from a handful of Hercules episodes to being the voice of Eek the Cat's obese cat girlfriend, Annabelle.                                                                                                          Some cats are bigger than others. Either someone is putting LSD in Annabelle's insulin, or Youtube's closed captioning was designed just to fuck with deaf people. Tawny's Ouija becomes possessed by the evil spirit of an old-timey serial killer who masquerades as the spirit of ten year old boy. But secretly he's evil Kenny Rogers. You might have noticed that the poster says "Seduction." This might be the wrong word for telling a grown woman you are the ghost of a dead ten year old so she feels sympathy for you. I don't know if we have or need a word for that, actually. So evil Kenny goes around killing people as a ghost, but wants to possess Tawny for some reason. It seems like it would be way easier to murder people as a ghost, because you are invisible and have amazing ghost-powers and shit. I guess it's safe to assume that Kenny Rogers' ghost just wants to be a woman. That's cool, dude.   Kenny finally gets his wish of inhabiting Tawny Kitaen's body at the end of the movie and attacks her  boyfriend with an ax. The boyfriend takes out a gun a shoots the Ouija board, which somehow hurts Kenny Rogers, even though he isn't inhabiting the board. It's just that spiritual connection, I guess. Like when you punch a Monopoly board and Paris Hilton gets a black eye. Tawny-Kenny still manages to push him out a window. ...or makes him play air-keyboards in front of a green screen. Whatever. Just be glad it's over. I know I always say this, but I don't blame Tawny Kitaen for everything sucking. This was clearly a group effort and, to be fair, the acting was probably the most solid aspect of this film. Tawny's included. The story is just really confusing and it's neither scary nor fun. What a goddamned mess. Oh! And Rose Marie from The Dick van Dyke Show is the landlady!                                                                      Seduction. Entrapment. Possession.