The Hidden (1987)

Buddy cop movies are, in theory, great.  They really highlight the fun that can be had when people or dogs with very different cultural backgrounds or hygienic habits are forced to work together.  For example, you could take a by-the-book rookie cop who is very tidy and team him up with a necktie wearing, chain-smoking chimpanzee who cares only about exacting revenge against the drug lords who murdered his wife in a horrific speedboat explosion and is getting too old for this shit and is always getting his ass chewed out by the chief.  It would be called something like “Going Apeshit,” and would be, of course, hilarious.  It isn’t that difficult to make a mismatched pair funny. The shit kind of writes itself.  That is why every successful comedy duo ever has consisted of a dumb guy and a normal guy. It’s the perfect recipe for both hijinks AND shenanigans. Nobody wants to watch a lone slob get Arby’s Sauce all over his own already filthy upholstery; we could just put a camera in Kirstie Alley’s car if we wanted to see that.  But when that same Arby’s Sauce is used to stain an uptight partner’s new fine Corinthian leather, well then you have the potential for a truly classic film.

This is what really upset me about The Hidden. It’s not a bad movie, but I feel like it gave me some false expectations for wacky buddy cop bullshit and didn’t go anywhere after setting things up. Kyle MacLachlin, star of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, plays an alien inhabiting the body of a dead FBI agent. Awesome. His partner is allegedly a badass who makes the chief uneasy. With this premise in hand, I was ready for goddamn antics, and lots of them. What I was presented with was a film about two tepid dudes (Twin Weaks?) who are hunting the coolest sociopathic alien since ALF.

Believe it or not, this is it...

 

Sweet Siouxsie poster!

The most disgustingly rad thing this movie offers is when they show how the alien hijacks our stupid human bodies. Of course, they only show this once, because this movie is all about making you imagine an easily better film.

Oh, he pukes himself out into people's mouths! What a class act!

I bet this is what the joy of giving birth feels like.

...and the joy of giving birth in reverse!

I wanna put this on a Christmas card.

What is this amazing alien’s amoral agenda? I’m glad I asked. Here’s a quick breakdown:

1. Steal Ferraris

2. Steal heavy metal cassette tapes and a ghettoblaster

3. Listen to metal in public, fart loudly

4. Take over a stripper’s body and feel self up

5. Announce candidacy for president of the United States

Hey, it's Lin Shaye, the teacher from Nightmare on Elm Street!

That’s quite a giant leap in ambition. And I don’t think he would make such a bad president, either. He would probably enact all sorts of badass legislation, like making it illegal for women to wear shirts, or declaring the new national anthem any song by Ratt.

That movie where Agent Cooper fucks AC Slater’s girlfriend in a pool was pretty good. At least the strippers took their clothes off.  This movie has one of the only 80’s stripclub scenes ever to not show a single human breast.  It’s unclear why they would even want to include a gentlemen’s club if they weren’t going to show anything other than the woman from Babylon 5 dancing with a crotchful of dollars.

The whore of Babylon 5

  

 Also, Danny Trejo is in this movie for like 3 seconds.

And he just happened to get locked up with some dude wearing a Danny Trejo shirt. How embarrassing.

 

 

 

 Yet another movie that could easily be remade into something better. Here, Hollywood, I'll give you a working title: Ferrari Fart Fiend's Excellent Heavy Metal Adventure. You're fucking welcome.

Also, when the fuck is National Pizza Week? Fuck Christmas, I wanna make friends with a pepperoni.